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Jacob Falkovich's avatar

My own Substack started by asking "why is agency so difficult for people to exercise in dating in particular?" and the answer I've arrived at is "everyone has been eaten by egregores". Dating discourse, dating self-help, gender wars, manosphere, inceldom, longhouse feminism, the social trade in "fuckability", therapy culture, rationalist decoupling, app-optimization — these are all memeplexes that superficially promise to help you with dating but in practice are competing with romance for your attention. Falling in love and becoming obsessed with your partner on a visceral, animal level is the worst thing that can happen to a meme occupying your brain. The meme will defend itself against it.

https://www.secondperson.dating/i/150579439/the-selfish-meme

Dating isn't a unified thing, and there's no unified dating advice I could give someone without knowing them intimately. Pretty much the only way to help people move towards better relationships at scale is to help them recognize and escape the grasp of the egregores that have colonized the relationship-seeking parts of their minds. If I turn Second Person into a book, it will mostly be about that.

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